MM Pt. 19

You know the thoughts that you have when you are wide away in bed? You’ve already gone three years deep into a celebrities Instagram, watched all the youtube videos of goats and baby hippos, and you've already gotten water twice (and peed twice lets be honest). You lay back down and your brain is crystal clear and running 1,000 miles a minute? These are the thoughts I have in between running through different vacation ideas and what I would buy first with a Million Dollars (spoiler alert its a lot of shit I don’t need). Usually they center on things that I am struggling with, I work through them (but to be honest again that only happens 1% of the time) the rest of the time its just thinking about things I am struggling with. I feel like this is a topic that only a few people address in my industry. And I mean REALLY address it. Usually Instagram paints a very different picture than the one that exists when you lay down in bed at night and can't sleep. To be honest, I think the industry needs more of it. Some people are shocked when professionals and entrepreneurs have to take a step back thinking, “I thought it was going so well, what happened?” Well what happened is we stay up till two in the morning editing, we eat like raccoons (ie we eat garbage), have very little time with our loved ones, and we are all one broken hair tie (or other small inconvenience) away from buzzing off our hair and punching holes in the wall. It is my personal belief that if you talk about these things and are 100% honest with them they don’t become huge problems that can consume your life and derail your mission. 


So first up, I don’t really feel like an artist. I listen to a lot of pod casts that say to think of yourself like an artist, and to really appreciate the creation of art and your hands on it. But when I get down to it, I don’t really feel like one. I finally told that to a client/friend of mine and it felt weird and better to say it out loud. I was going to be a lawyer for so long that I never put myself in another profession, let alone an artist. I usually say that I am a girl with a camera and everyone can do what I do. They can physically buy my camera and my editing systems, go where I go, post what I post, and do what I do. I guess the one way I have worked that out is that the connections to my clients is something no one else will ever have. No one else will send my exact gifs, no one else will go to the exact same spot and take the exact same picture the way I have, and even if they get super close they will never do so by asking the semi invasive questions that I do with my clients. And even THEN if they do that, well I’m up shit creek without a paddle but at least I’m having fun. 


I don’t know how to measure success. If this thought had a sound it would be the sound of dropping a marble down a long dark hallway with tile floors. It would echo, seem endless, and have no point or purpose. I have run the numbers and I know that at my current trajectory and with my current prices I will be at least somewhat financially stable. I will be able to afford a place for Trevor and I (eventually) but I don't know where success comes in. I fear that I will never sit down one day on a metaphorical porch with metaphorical ice tea take a deep breath and sigh, and whisper to myself “I have been successful.” All the pod casts and speakers I listen to say that success is a measurement unique to all people, but they never talk about to how measure the success and value of a non-tangible goal. 


I lost a few sessions this past month. I know exactly what happened and they aren't all bad, sometimes things just don’t work out, and I so get that. That doesn't change the fact that is just plain sucks. I hardly ever see anyone in my industry talk about this particular topic, and if I had my guess, its because there is no good way to talk about it. There is no resolution and I personally feel that it is slightly an indicator of me not doing something correctly. I want people to see me as an in control business owner that is in high demand and loved by everyone (ie a princess). So, in my opinion there is a void in the industry, BUT IN TRUE MEREDITH FASHION I am going to attack it head on with my lack of wisdom, give it one good read over, post it, and then clean my car and just hope its received well. The main reason I want to bring it up is because through all of my research, which I do a lot of (I like education), I haven’t really come across an entrepreneur that says, “This is I how I personally get over loosing a job that I really wanted.” They talk a lot about attracting the right client and saying goodbye to the ones that are not the ideal client, but no one really talks about the break up feeling you go through when you have an ideal client on the line and its just not going to work out. I sat on the bed with Trevor, not crying but pretty pathetic, and fished for positive reinforcement. I asked, “Could I have done something better?” and “Did I not market right to secure that kind of client?” to which Trevor answered, “Its bed time and I have a final in the morning.” Just kidding, he told me to focus on all of my amazing clients that I do have and that it all happened for a reason. I hate it when Trevor is rational. I was looking for, “No babe you’re the shit and you should be hella pissed that it didn't work out and you should do something drastic to make yourself feel better.” I didn’t get that because Trevor decides to be the mature one **Eye roll emoji.** I don't really have an answer for how to make this better besides to make a cute letter board and take a picture of it, and then write this post to let others know that they aren’t alone. I would love to start a conversation about this topic, so if you have coping mechanisms that don’t require eating a ton of carbs, hit a sista up. On a bright note I am launching a project that is super new to my industry on Wednesday and I am so stoked, my two boudoir marathons were booked up before even being released to the public, and I love my life and my clients.


Until next time,